Monday, July 29, 2013

Free Design Advice from a Well Endowed Consumer

Dear Makers of Athletic Wear,

   Racer-Back = Athletic has run it's course, so to speak.  It's time to expand your design paradigm.  There are some women out there, many acutally, who do not have small, perky, athletic boobs but we exercise anyway.  We are buxom, naturally jiggly women of all ages who do not fit into any of your athletic tops and it is pissing us off.  It's discouraging.  We are TRYING for God's sake.  Give us the tiniest bit of encouragement by selling a workout top with straps across the shoulders.

  It doesn't matter if you just make the tops bigger.  They need to have straps across the shoulders. Why?  Do you rememer that scene in The Aviator, when Leonardo Dicaprio played Howard Hughs, where he draws out a schematic for uplifting Jane Russell's bodacious tatas? Applying some basic physics and engineering concepts?  Please obtain that film and have your designers watch that scene carefully.

Racerback?  I think not.
We need more lift.  And separation.

  Weight must be distributed.  Gravity is a bitch.  Bouncing will occur no matter how space-age the spandex.  It does not feel good to have all the force concentrated in a area between your shoulder blades just below your neck!  In fact it is a Magical Migraine Creator.

 There was a time when I went in search of the elusive "No Bounce" workout.  I put on a regular bra, a sportsbra, and a super supportive (racerback) workout top.  Then I headed into the gym to run on the treadmill.  I swaggered in like Mighty Mouse, feeling solid, feeling good.  I started a light jog and was amazed.  Packed in firmly, zero bounce!  It was liberating!  I thought, "So this is what flat chested girls feel like when they run."  (Minus 10 pounds above the waist.)  But then as I ran a little more, turned up the speed a bit, got my heartrate up.....I realized a tragic flaw in my plan: the inability to breathe.  I tried to remain calm, casual, breathing faster and faster, very shallow.  That's called panting, apparently.  And it makes those around you uncomfortable.  Apparently. Gasping, even more so.  Experiment over: unsuccessful.

No bounce, no oxygen.

 So I, like many others, continue to walk the bounce vs. breathing line.  We would like to excercise, we would prefer not to suffer cervical spine damage in the process.  My current strategy is to just let the bra straps hang out.  "Here they are world! Deal with it!"  And that's working okay.  But just in case anyone would like to design and sell a supportive, well made, exercise top with straps across the shoulders - not racerback at all, not even a little - I will buy it.  Just lettng you know.

  Now I will insert some phrases like "underwire non-negotiable" and "straps around the neck = pain" and forward this to your swimsuit department. 

  Thank you.